PEDs or Pads: Which form of cheating is hurting Boot Hockey more?

A-Rod. Manny Ramirez. Roger Clemens. Barry Bonds. Ace Chicago. What do they have in common? They’re all great athletes, for sure, however the glaring light of PED testing has cast a shadow on their careers. While the first four names tarnished their careers on the diamond with steroid/HGH usage, we can all remember Ace failing the annual BHPA drug test when his urine specimen turned up positive for Viagra. Sure, we laughed at the time, but the fact remains that boot hockey isn’t impervious to Performance Enhancing Drugs. A recent random warming house poll suggests that PEDs are used by a vast majority of the players in the league. 

“Who cares about the pills? I don’t care if a guy is takin’ horse tranquilizers and sniffin’ model plane glue before a game. As long as he plays it straight I don’t got a problem” said an anonymous player before face-off at a recent Anoka Sliders/Mounds View One Times game. “The biggest problem I got is with the guys wearing knee pads, elbow pads, and shin guard underneath their Carhartts. Christ, I think I saw a guy with a mouth guard two weeks ago. That ain’t boot hockey”.

Indeed, it would seem as though the PED/Pad issue has divided locker rooms around the league. BHD recently sat down at a round table of notable current and former player; here’s what they had to say:

Bruno Taco, BHPA Hall of Famer: “It’s one thing for your goaltender to wear a glove, or maybe even an eye patch. But some of these guys are wearing catcher’s masks and shoulder pads. This ain’t football last time I checked”  

Sleeveless Sammy Hanjob, Oakdale Foamies: “I don’t really know where I stand. I mean, my real dad Bruno was the first one to bring his old baseball glove to the rink, and guys busted his balls about it all the time. Now you can’t even find a hooker without driving past a rink and seeing a goalie wearing a glove. Maybe more pads are better for the sport”

Ace Chicago: “The suspension was bullshit. Straight bullshit. How am I supposed to run through the wives and girlfriends section at my away games without some help? Pads are for homos. See this haircut? That’s my fucking pads”

Bobby Key Largo, BHPA Play-By-Play Announcer: “I don’t see a problem with pads. What I see a problem with is a guy like Robert Drago ending one season at 160lbs and coming back to Fall Training Camp at 190lbs of pure muscle. Pads might be for wusses, but they’re necessary if guys keep bulking up like this”

Robert Drago, North St. Paul Snowmen: “Pads are the real issue. If guys want a bit of an edge, earn it the hard way like everyone else: Go to Mexico, get some juice, and work out three times a day. Shit, how do you think I have a 100mph slapshot?. But these guys with pads are another breed. It’s the pussy way out”

Luke Kirkland, BHD Editor-In-Chief: “They’re both bad for the game. Moving from the black foamie to the tennis ball was supposed to make the game safer for everyone, and now we have guys wearing mouth guards? PEDs are an issue, sure, but most of our league parties pretty hard. Tell you what, you should try downing 9 Boner Fuels a night before a game and make it to the ice without a little help from a pill or some cream. Are you gonna make it to the rink on just a $6 with a coffee from BK? I doubt it”

If these former and current players had their way it would seem that PEDs are an acceptable part of the physical demands that come with the long boot hockey season. Pads, on the other hand, are for “homos, cripples, and girls that play ringette”.

-Coach Ray Brookside-