Boot Hockey Digest
Blackouts Tarnishing GLBHA Image?
Blackouts Tarnishing GLBHA Image?
Much like the “Big Bambino” It appears the Gary, IN Blackouts are calling their shot. In an unprecedented show of confidence and bravado, Gary Blackouts team members have recorded a music video much in the same vein as the “Superbowl Shuffle”. The video titled “It’s so cold in the G” depicts team members celebrating a Lohtsen Cup victory well before the season has even started.
GLBHA league commissioner and BHPA president Bobby Key Largo was asked for comment after being shown the video. “This is not good for the image of the GLBHA” Key Largo went on to explain why. “These guys are in the video jumping up and down and drinking Dom Perignon champagne.” “I’m the league commissioner and I know there’s no way that any team can afford that kind of booze. Fans are gonna start complaining about ticket prices if they think players are making that kind of cash.”
BKL’s comments seemed to echo throughout the league as other players such as Ace Chicago and Duff “Hands” O’Hallahan weighed in on the issue. “This is total bullshit” star player Ace Chicago exclaimed. “If those assholes from Gary think I won’t ‘unintentionally’ blind their net-minder with a puck/ball mix-up, they got another thing comin’.” O’Hallahan tried to comment but most of what he said was unintelligible as he and Ace had been at local bar and pull tab parlor, Scorze for most of the morning.
Landfall Flyers Captain’s Meeting Cut Short
Cock-Tails anyone?
Landfall Flyers Team Captain Lance Svengaard recently held a captains meeting at Cock-Tails Bar & Grill, which is known for its extravagant Bacon Lettuce Tomato sandwich bonanza buffet. Word has it that the team left abruptly after they discovered that Cock-Tails has a primarily gay cliental. That didn’t stop Svengaard from hazing complete strangers by mimicking a “Red-Hot Cincinnati” on a bouncer’s back.
Thunder Bay Thunderbirds winger to pose for Play Man Magazine
Ty Baggs “hangin loose” during the offseason
Move over Ace Chicago. The GLBHA has a new sex symbol to promote the sport of boot hockey. Thunderbirds winger and part-time model Ty Baggs has been chosen as the cover model for the January edition of Play Man Magazine. Play Man Magazine, which is marketed towards wealthy and glamorous women of Canada, has a reputation for its vivacious photographs and elegant articles on French Canadian cuisine and leisure. Ty Baggs who hails from Hamilton Ontario, continues the long tradition of renowned Canadians such as Alan Thicke, Peter North and Michael J. Fox, who have donned the cover of Play Man. When asked to comment on being named as Play Mans cover man, Ty Baggs stated that this honor was long overdue, and women will appreciate the artistic approach that he took while posing with an Albino Python.
Johnny “Studded” Buzz drops Rough Rider/ French Tickler Industries, Picks-up Monster Energy
That’s not the only monster he’s been known to grip”
David Lee Roth sang “And I’m searching for the latest thing, A break in this routine.” This quote rings true for the Falun-Alpha Whirlwinds Forward Johnny “studded” Buzz, who became recently had become bored with and ended his run as the face of Rough Riders studded condoms. Buzz, who represented Rough Rider / French Tickler Industries for the past three years, stated that it has brought him great pleasure to be the spokesperson for Rough Riders Industries, and he is certain that many of his female fans share the same sentiment.
Shortly after Johnny Buzz ended his partnership with Rough Riders Industries, he struck a new deal. Buzz immediately penned a new sponsorship with Monster Soft Drinks. When asked if he had any hesitations about ending the Rough Rider deal, (which compensated him with pallets full of Rough Rider studded condoms) Buzz stated “threes nothing a new Monster Jacket, $25 dollars in scratch-off lottery tickets and a life time supply of Monster Energy drinks can’t fix.” Johnny Buzz anticipates that the soaring amount of caffeine and sugar content in Monster Energy Drinks should lead to an increase in points this season.
Sorel Mix-Tape Tour to make stops in Cottage Grove, Blaine
Heads-up BHPA fans, the Sorel Mix-Tape Tour is going to be making two stops in Minnesota during the coming months. While the tour has received quite a bit of criticism due to questionable accounting tactics, several cancelled shows, and reports of lewd and drunken behavior at the Gary, IN and Webster, WI stops, expect to see your favorite Boot Hockey stars on the ice sometime in the next two months. There will be more to come on this story in the next few weeks as dates get finalized
Webster Raccoons Owner to host “charity” poker tournament
Team owner Wally Raccoon announced that he will be hosting a no-limit Texas hold ’em poker tourney, with all of the proceeds benefitting the Rocky Raccoons Bar & Grill Revival Coalition. Wally Raccoon, who owned a small percentage of the once popular and classy strip club, hopes to reopen Rocky Raccoons in the near future. “In this economy, Webster and its neighboring communities need a place where they can relax, have a drink and release some tension. I’m not saying that Rocky Raccoons is Cheers, but then again Cheers didn’t have Burnett Counties finest strippers.” Raccoon intends on doubling the amount of stripper poles that were previously in the bar, and adding a Super Chexx Buble Hockey game.
Fund-raiser turns field sobriety
On Saturday half of the Newport Kools Boot Hockey team were arrested on suspicion of DUI at a recent fund-raising event in Newport. Four of the nine Newport players were pulled over during a DUI sting that was being held one block away from the fund-raiser. The arrests took place between approximately 10:45 – 10:55 A.M. Donnie and Dickie Douch’e, who are two of the Kools stars, and more outspoken players were arrested in the sting, spoke out about being illegally targeted. “Conspiracy, I think so. The police department has been targeting the athletes of Newport for sometime now. You don’t think it’s coincidence that a DUI sting was being held at 10:30 in the morning, in the general area of the fundraiser. I’m calling bullshit on that.”
The annual event dubbed “Bread for Boot Hockey” raises money for rink maintenance, equipment, and team booze. The event which was scheduled for eleven A.M. was temporary delayed due to the arrests. Newport Kools team owner handed out Kools can koozies to the small group of seven disappointed fans who waited patiently on hand.
Warriors Forward Reginald Shocker Cited for “Nautical Hating”
According to Polk County Police records, Reginald “Night Train” Shocker was cited by Polk County Deputy Sheriffs for “Nautical Hating” on Bone Lake. The police report states that Shocker harassed a pontoon occupied by a group of six highschool girls, while operating a jet ski under the influence of alcohol. Witnesses stated that Shocker taunted the girls by swerving back and forth near the pontoon, while simultaneously spraying the girls with a supersoaker filled with Rum.
First openly gay player in BHPA history
Landfall Flyers Forward Lance Svengaard recently declared his sexual orientation to Boot Hockey Digest’s Luke Kirkland in a recent phone interview. During the conversation, Lance stated “I fully expect and encourage the players to call me a homo, homosexual, and a cocksucker”, then adding that he was ready for the “rough stuff”.
“Paying homage to his alma mater during a practice”
Infamous boot hockey goaltender calls it quits
Known more for his off-ice shenanigans, goaltender Bruno Taco has officially retired from the sport of boot hockey. Sources have revealed that a life time of boozing, along with his questionable sexual escapades involving online classified ads have finally caused the crafty veteran to hang up his size 11 Famous Footwear Brand boots.
“When the bottle bites back”
Winnipeg welcomes back Jets, says sayonara to Sasquatch
Emotions were running high and low last week in Winnipeg. Shortly after news spread that the city of Winnipeg was awarded a NHL franchise for the 2011-2012 season, Winnipeg Sasquatch’s GM announced that the team was disbanding due to “unforseen circumstances.” Like most rumored Sasquatch sightings that are commonly described as brief and frantic, one could use these terms to describe the state of the Winnipeg Sasquatch, who only managed to play one season in the Great Lakes Boot Hockey Association.
Boot Hockey Digest 
On to your next passion Bruno, Senior Photo Journalist for a high school girls volleyball squad. Perhaps NSP???
Posted by John John Mackie | June 7, 2011, 6:07 PMThe Sasquatch were doomed from the get go. I don’t want to name any names, but I saw the Sasquatch GM’s wife out with Bobby Key Largo in Winnipeg one night, and there’s no way a guy can focus on his job when his wife is running around with a sleazebag like that.
Posted by welcomehomejets22 | June 9, 2011, 2:47 AMI have a restraining order from all District 622 schools. As of now I’m in training with the Century College Freestyle Walking team to make a comeback in 2012.
Posted by Bruno Taco | September 6, 2011, 10:08 AM